


Getting Hitched

by Townycod13



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-03-21 00:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13729617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/pseuds/Townycod13
Summary: Kenny and Kyle get married. Sort of.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the amazing and kind Tankocean :D

Bebe Stevens knew exactly what she wanted to be and where she wanted to go.

That wasn’t to say she didn’t have some anxieties about how well she would do.

Four years of South Park High School had prepared her as far as it could and soon she would be moving to California to show the world what she could do.

“If it pleases and sparkles, I move we vote on the matter of the graduation party.”

The girls begun to immediately bubble amongst themselves cheerfully, responses about “glittering the vote” floated through the room before a box was pulled from beneath the head girl’s table.

It would be a landslide, everyone knew. The options were Bebe’s vision or a simple dance themed get-together. Even if the scales weren’t already tipped in her favor on intrigue alone, Bebe had pull in the right places.

The plan was certain to glitter with the girls.

“You’re sure about this, Bebe? It’s a bit ambitious.” Red whispered after placing her vote.

Bebe smiled ear-to-ear, “That’s precisely why I’m doing it.”

What better way to start off her career as a wedding planner than to actually plan a wedding?

\--

Girls are weird. 

They decide things on their own. Create intricate plans, instructions, and all running on the assumption that their machinations will be agreed to.

It's almost as though they're just as bossy as guys, a treacherous and overly too thoughtful part of his brain provided unhelpfully.

Kyle amended his previous thought, people are weird.

"Why us, exactly? We're not even dating."

Kenny's muffled voice provided the question that he found himself too uncharacteristically speechless to supply. Stevens looked at them both like they were dim.

When he found his voice he would definitely have words about that too.

"I can't use a real couple,  _ duh _ . What if it all goes wrong? What if I jinx a friends chance of ever getting married and being happy with my own inexperience? It  _ has _ to be two people that are unlikely to get married."

Well, that was just hurtful. Kyle put that on the laundry list of things he'd protest to.

"Dude, I could totally get hitched if I wanted to!" Kenny protested.

The beautiful blond woman before them rolled her eyes with such a dramatic flare that it was a wonder she didn't pursue a career in it instead.

" _ To each other _ , duh." Kyle was getting really tired of hearing her say duh, "Obviously, you two could get married to other people if you wanted but are you  _ really _ ever going to date each other?"

She had a point. Maybe. They'd known each other their entire lives. It was only a short few months before one moved off for college and the other began a full-time career in...

...in...

Kyle was a terrible friend. Horror dawned that he had no idea  _ what _ Kenny was going to seek a career in, only that he wasn't currently planning on continuing school.

"So you picked us because we're the least likely to ever get hitched for realsies?" Kenny confirmed.

Bebe nodded, "It's a great idea, right? That way if I screw up I'm not ruining a  _ real _ couples wedding. And you guys can laugh it off too." her voice lowered into a pleading tone, "Please? I really want to actually get some practice in. This is important to me. Think of it like a huge party celebrating the two of you that you don't have to pay for and I will be planning. All you have to do is tell me what you want."

It wasn't an unfair deal.

Kyle found his voice, "Sure, we'll do it."

"Dude, I didn't agree yet." Kenny said.

Kyle's look was unimpressed, "Were you planning on saying no?"

Kenny sighed, "Okay, I'm in."

Bebe's hands clasped together in joy, " _ Yes _ ! Thank you guys! I really appreciate it! I am going to make you guys the  _ best _ wedding  _ ever _ !"

What in gods name had he just agreed to?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by the fantastic Tankocean! Thank you!

“Why do I have to wear a dress? Isn’t it good enough that Kenny’s planning to?”

Bebe tutted at him. Actually tutted at him. He very much considered quitting on this entire stupid project.

“It wouldn’t make sense to just have  _ one _ of you wear a dress. If we’re going with a cross-dressing motif, it’s best if we go all the way.”

Kyle crossed his arms, completely unimpressed, “I thought we were going with a ‘gender is meaningless BS’ motif?”

Bebe frowned. He counted that as a win. So far a lot of the planning process had consisted of getting railroaded by the fierce woman.

She never did get a chance to come up with a response before Kenny bounced up to them, literally bouncing on his heels with excitement, “What about this one?”

The dress he held out looked similar to the last three he’d run up with. Kyle was convinced that Kenny was enjoying dress shopping a bit too much. It probably helped that he didn’t have to pay for anything.

Bebe gave the dress a critical look before nodding soberly, clearly this was an important decision that required all of her concentration. “It looks great. Why don’t you try this one and the sleeveless one from earlier on? We’ll look them over to decide which one is better on your figure.”

Kenny grinned and Kyle was treated to the rare sight of the boy’s teeth. Apparently parkas were not appropriate dress shopping attire and Bebe had confiscated it.

Kenny nodded enthusiastically before turning to Kyle, “You found anything you like yet?”

It was said so innocently, like  _ of course _ Kyle would be as excited for dress shopping as he was. Kyle caved.

“Not yet, I’ll have something by the time you finish changing though.”

It couldn’t be  _ that _ hard to find a good dress. Kenny had found half a dozen that he would probably look amazing in within minutes.

As soon as Kenny was inside the changing rooms, Bebe shoved no less than three dresses at him.

“Wait, don’t I get to pick out my own?”

“No, what if you picked out something that looked awful.”

“ _ Kenny _ was allowed to pick out his own!” he protested.

“Kenny has taste.” She said it so sweetly he had to wonder if he’d actually heard her say that for a second. She took full advent of that second to cram him into the dressing room next to Kenny’s.

Why had he agreed to this stupid project again? He wasn’t even a groom, just a dress-up doll in Bebe’s weird obsession.

There was a gasp from outside his room before he heard Bebe’s voice gush, “ _ Kenny _ , that looks amazing!  We’re  _ definitely _ going with this one.”

Curiosity got the better of him and he made to open the door to see what had Bebe so excited. Like she’d read his mind she called out, “You stay in there, Kyle! It’s bad luck to see the bride in her wedding dress before the event!”

“But he’s a groom.” Kyle wasn’t pouting. It just sounded like he was because acoustics were weird here.

“Nah, she’s right bro, wouldn’t want it to rain on our magical day or nothin’. Best stay in there and get changed.”

Kenny, the little shit, was  _ definitely _ enjoying watching Bebe boss him around. He questioned internally why they were even friends.

He never should have agreed to this.

It was also endlessly frustrating that Bebe had been completely correct in her selections. They looked stupidly good on him.

He picked the one that felt the most comfortable and outright refused to give the other two a fashion show. If they were going to be jerks he would exert what little control he had over this situation that he had.

Kenny was smiling at him the entire way out of the store though. He sighed, giving in, “What are you smirking at?”

“Dude. We’re getting lesbian married. This is the literal best thing that has ever happened. I’m marking this shit off my bucket list.”

“…Getting lesbian married is on your bucket list?”

Kenny looked genuinely astonished, “It’s not on yours?”

“Shockingly, dude, it’s not. I had things like traveling to other countries and expanding my horizons. You know, go to places like Japan or Egypt to look at castles and pyramids.”

Kenny was all sunshine again, “ _ Dude _ , we should go to Japan for our honeymoon! I can totally be our translator.”

“I totally forgot you speak Japanese.”

Kenny’s laugh was playful and open, “Everyone does.”

Bebe called back for them to hurry up and Kyle belatedly noticed they’d fallen significantly behind.

This entire thing was turning into way more trouble than it was worth and they still had quite a bit of time they had to spend planning. Kyle wasn’t looking forward to it if Bebe was as forceful the entire way as she’d been today.

Kenny was pretty excited to get ‘lesbian married’ though and Kyle figured he could be a bit patient with the Bebe situation. For now.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by Tankocean!! :D Thank you~

“Does the type of flower  _ really _ matter?”

Kenny couldn’t find a single reason to care about flower meanings. It was just so  _ pointless _ ultimately. Flowers were pretty. Flowers died. Lucky bastards.

He really wanted to speed through the flower selection and onto the catering. That was definitely more important.

Oddly Kyle was actually with Bebe on this one, looking at each flower intensely and searching up meanings on his phone while she commented on the aesthetic each type would offer.

It was so boring he could just die. Is this how Kyle felt when dress shopping? Dude did not look all that interested when they were sifting through secondhand dresses.

He totally understood the grump value if Kyle found dresses as boring as Kenny found flowers. He tried to feign interest in a red flower in front of him. The sign said it was a snapdragon, which was pretty legit sounding to him.

He was sure that the two over-thinkers behind him would have some essay long opinion on the darn things though. Wasn't it good enough that the flower had name that made him envision dragons aggressively snapping as if they were the background dancers in a musical?

Kenny  _ totally _ wanted a wedding that incorporated aggressively snapping musical dragons. That sounded  _ amazing _ .

“What are you looking at, Kenny?” darn Kyle and his surprisingly ninja-like skills. Not for the first time Kenny was happy for his parka, it hid his surprise well when people scared the shit out of him.

“Uh… snapdragons? I dunno, I thought they looked kinda cool.”

Immediately Kyle’s phone was flipped out to find the meaning and Kenny prepared for the impending rejection. He was absolutely positive Kyle was going to list all the reasons that it was a terrible choice.

“Hmm… deception and graciousness…” Kyle smiled a strange little quirk of an expression, “I like it. I mean we  _ are _ having a fake lesbian wedding, right? What better flower for it?”

Kenny really loved how well his parka concealed expressions. He didn’t trust his voice so he nodded in response.

“So thus far we’ve decided on snapdragons and gardenia’s. Any other flowers you want to add?” Kyle asked, noting things down on his phone.

Kenny shook his head, somewhat desperate to move onto menu decisions.

If this was a buffet on someone else’s dime in his honor he was going to take  _ full _ advantage of that. If he didn’t manage to squeeze some of Karen’s favorites into the menu he was going to go bridezilla.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“We are  _ not _ inviting my mom.” Kyle wasn’t sure why this even needed explaining. It should be obvious. There were entire songs written about why Sheila Broflovski was a bad idea.

“Dude, we  _ have _ to invite your mom.” 

“But she’ll bring my dad! Also I’m not sure how well she would grasp the concept of ‘fake’ in ‘wedding’.”

“Okay, but dude, Bebe is making me invite my whole family and if my side of the wedding is full and yours is empty, it’ll look like your side of the family doesn’t approve of our union.”

Kyle ran a hand over his face, lord give him patience, “We’re not  _ actually _ getting married, you know that, right?”

Kenny grinned in that easy going way that deceived people into playing into his hands. Kyle was onto this boy. No way he was going to--

“I mean, I’m probably never going to get married for realsies, so I should make this one count, ya know!”

Kyle groaned, “And what makes you so sure you’re never getting married?”

It didn’t seem like Kenny was against the concept. Out of the two of them, he seemed to be having the most fun planning this whole thing. He was the one who brought up finishing up the guest lists like Bebe asked to boot.

Kenny’s smile didn’t falter, it altered. Just a twitch to the left and it looked sardonic instead of cheerful. He gestured to his entire being, “I mean, have ya looked at me lately?”

He had. A lot.

That wasn’t the problem.

Kyle’s nose scrunched, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kenny rolled his eyes and began to busy himself over the list again, “People don’t really like to marry down, Kyle.”

What. The. Fuck.

Kyle reigned in his reaction barely in time.

“That’s stupid.” He said instead, averting his eyes from the other. If he let his emotions do the talking he was going to end up saying something regretful. He looked back at the seating chart for a distraction.

“Look, we can invite my mom if we make sure our dads are on opposite sides of the place, is that okay?”

Kenny’s grin regained its sunshine and Kyle figured it was worth the two hours he was going to have to spend explaining to his mother this was not a real thing.

“Awesome! Oh, but let’s make a sibling table! I think Ike would get along great with Karen and Kevin!”

The mood lifted and now that the family debate was out of the way, Kenny was kind of enjoying arranging the reception tables. It was a little fun to know he and Kenny completely controlled how everyone’s evening was going to go.

“ _ Dude _ , let’s put Stan between Wendy’s and Butters.”

Kyle cackled, “That’s just mean. Let’s do it.”

The advantage of a fake wedding was that, should everything explode in their faces, it wasn’t like they were getting married for reals or anything. They could freely create chaos without consequence.

Kyle kept his eyes on the corkboard of names and away from boy he wasn’t really marrying.

No consequences at all.


	5. Chapter 5

Spending time with your best friend while chilling in the living room with the TV on as background noise is supposed to be relaxing.

“So…”

Stan’s tone suggested he was expecting Kyle to know how to end that sentence. Kyle was not in fact privy to that information.

“So?”

A petulant frown formed and the other boy crossed his arms, “You’re really not going to ask?”

Kyle wracked his brain for anything he might need to ask Stan and drew a blank, “Ask what?”

“I’m just really bummed you haven’t asked. Did you ask David instead?”

Kyle had just about it with the confusing game of ‘guess what’s wrong’ and fixed his super best friend with a glare, “Ask David  _ what _ ?”

“To be your best man, duh.”

Kyle groaned, “ _ Really _ ? Really.”

Stan’s frown didn’t go away, “You asked David, didn’t you?”

Oh, spare him.

“You  _ do _ realize I’m not really getting married, right?”

Stan shrugged, “Well, yeah, obviously. But you’re still going to need a best man and I’m just saying, I’ve known you longer than David.”

Why the hell were they suddenly competitive? Kyle sighed, closing his eyes for patience, “Look, Stan, if I were really getting married, of course I would ask you--”

“You don’t have to give to me out of pity.”

He saw the look. Stan Marsh was in full pout mode. Whatever was eating at him probably didn’t even have anything to do with the not-wedding, but Kyle still resented him for making this more stressful than it had to be.

Kyle crossed his arms.

“You know what?  _ Fine _ . I  _ will _ make David my best man. But lucky you, I’m getting lesbian married.” Stan’s eyes widened a bit, clearly catching onto Kyle’s thought process, he was too late to stop it, “So you’re going to be my maid of honor.”

“No, don--” Stan lunged but Kyle dodged, hands around his phone.

“Already texting Bebe. I’m  _ sure _ she’ll find you the sweetest little dress.” Kyle smiled wickedly at his friend, “Hope you like chiffon.”

“ _ Dude _ , uncool.”

“Yeah, well, it was uncool of you to make a big deal of this. You already know I’m stressing out over it.”

Stan sighed, sitting back with a slump, “Why did you even agree to this?”

As he was texting Bebe, Kyle misspelled the word ‘the’ and promptly rewrote the entire text.

“I don’t know. Seemed like harmless fun at the time,” he attempted nonchalance but even he knew how tight his voice sounded.

“Dude, it did not.” Stan said.

“Stan.” Kyle warned.

“I mean don’t you lik--”

“I’m telling her the bridesmaids dresses must be in eyesore pink!”

“Dude!”

The boys wrestled briefly and that seemed to distract Stan enough. Kyle let his heart settle.

This was dumb.

He should have never agreed to it.

He sighed and composed additional texts to Ike and David when Stan’s interest had dwindled. Probably should get their approval to be groomsman before they started coming at him like Stan.

He wondered who Kenny picked for his wedding party.

**Author's Note:**

> I figure at this point i've joked about them getting married enough in my fics that I gotta make it happen. sorta.


End file.
